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Holy Sabbath

I’ve taken a few weeks off from this blog. One reason being I was a bit disillusioned with spirituality. Tired of seeking…that sort of thing and secondly, because I was just sorting out some things that didn’t end up going anywhere, truth be told.

I have been finding it hard to even want to go to church lately. My belief in God has not suspended. My belief in the goodness and the capabilities of church haven’t suspended. I’m just tired! I’m tired of trying to always figure every thing out. I was thinking today about the usual things my brain decides to catch on and ruminate over and I caught back onto an old talk I heard in church many years ago. I had probably only been in Athens then about two years at that point. I don’t even remember the gentleman’s name who gave the talk. I do remember he was supposedly my hometeacher…but I never officially met the dude. The EQ president pointed him out to me one time when he asked if I had been visited at all in the past year. I said I had not and he said well let me introduce you to your HT. I replied I wasn’t interested in an introduction really, and the EQ president felt that at the very least he needed to show me who he was.  I also remember he was a UGA Law Student. This particular talk he was giving was his last talk in Sacrament because he was graduating and moving back out to California with his wife. Obviously, I have a good memory for things that don’t really matter! :-)

His topic was testimonies and how they are individual entities. (That’s the truth part). He then said a couple of things at the time that rubbed me the wrong way and I felt they were extremely short-sighted.  He started to go off on a rant of sorts about how people shouldn’t need anyone or expect anyone else to care for another person’s testimony. He said that if we were expecting home teachers to come and they didn’t come, that shouldn’t affect our testimony or our growth in the church. (I remember at the time wondering if the EQ president hadn’t said something to him about never visiting my home. LOL Whatever!)  I just remember kind of shutting off after hearing that portion because I was digesting this lack of responsibility toward another human spirit. It’s not something I identify with at. all. I didn’t know at the time that it was something that would settle so deeply into my brain either!  It felt as though he had this idea that everyone was out surviving on his or her own mentality and if other people  NEEDED the light of another person, they were weak or wrong. He didn’t come out and say those words…but I saw through what he was trying to say. He was saying it VERY badly. He was presenting this idea that we were ultimately NOT responsible for and to each other.  I know what he was trying to MEAN was that we as individuals need to cultivate our own testimonies….but adding in that we weren’t at all responsible for the people under our jurisdiction is a complete contradiction to the things that Christ taught.

Matthew 18:10 -14
10 “Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in heaven. 11 For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost.[a]

12 “What do you think? If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them goes astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine and go to the mountains to seek the one that is straying? 13 And if he should find it, assuredly, I say to you, he rejoices more over that sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray. 14 Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish.
 

I don’t even know why his talk sprang to the forefront of my mind today. I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone or possible home teachers with me on their list at this time in my life.  I think I should clear that up right now.:-) So you can sleep soundly. hahaha

What I do think though is that people who think this way are simply, wrong. I am not saying you need to spoon-feed someone; but sometimes another’s light or testimony can go a LONG way in the soul of a searching or lonely person. When I had sister’s to visit, I felt very MUCH that it was my charge to check in on them in whatever way they felt comfortable. Some women I got to visit and many other women I just sent notes to every month. I always asked what THEY needed. I feel strongly you MUST approach someone the way they tell you to approach them in order to earn their trust. (That’s another lesson I had to learn…but one I believe in deeply now.)  I don’t really even know where I am going w/ these thoughts except to say that 12-years after the fact, I have a very long memory about something this man probably doesn’t even remember he said. Maybe I just had to remind myself that we SHOULD be willing to share our light if someone needs it and equally if someone is offering you their light, to recognize it and accept what they are willing to give.

“We are all connected in ways we cannot even begin to fathom. Our lives unfold through each other and within each other. What one suffers, we all feel. What one does changes others forever.”

~David Rhodes

 
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Posted by on Sunday, November 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Mentors

My beautiful Kimsie posted this status update last night. I caught a glimpse of it before I decided I should TRY to go to bed before 3 a.m. for once  in my life. It read: “Today my supervisor asked who my mentor is. I immediately thought of a few people I consider mentors. I am thankful for them and their wisdom. I don’t know that people even realize the depth of their impact of another. Who are your mentors?”

I should not read questions before I got to sleep, because then I dream about those questions. I am weird like that. Anyway….as I woke up this morning thoughts were still streaming through my brain and I figured that I probably had a lot of mentors.  I decided with this blog, I’d be a big bum-kisser and highlight a few, because they really did help me, either by showing me how to behave or challenging a thought process I had…or were just the epitome of loveliness.

Kim, you have mentored me w/ your abundant patience and ability to give me advice but also sit back and watch me live my life and still love me through it all. You have a hero heart….and you are funny! You have helped me see that I am good enough just as I am…but you also know how to kindly crack the whip. I don’t let very many people reveal my weaknesses to me, because so often it’s just criticizing and being mean. You do it in a way that makes me laugh and think. I appreciate that you’ve taught me how to hear both the yin/yang of who I am and to understand that love is still there from you, always.

My mom has been through hell and high-water, and always come back around. I  know life has been interesting for her, but she’s always somehow managed to bounce back. Even if she’s had to put on a brave face and I know she’s hurting….in the depth of her hurt, I have always seen a light flicker within her. She taught me how to work hard and keep working hard on the things you believe in. She is a quiet woman. She’s got an amazing soul and an even better heart. She taught me that even though love has boundaries it doesn’t mean it can’t heal everything, if people just let love do it’s job. She’s still the first person I really want to talk to when things get rough because I know she will listen and she is smart enough to never ever tell me what to do. ;-p She never has, because she knows me well enough to know that I MUST come to things on my own terms, or else I can never accept them.

Also I have a lot of lovely and amazing friends….so if I don’t mention you it’s NOT because you have not influenced me in some way. TRUST me when I say you have. For the sake of time I am going to point out a few.

Monica, Kelly, Karri and Nikki….who gets to have good friends for 20+ years…who still care about where you are? Who you are? If you’re happy?  I adore and love you ladies. If anyone hurt you I’d run them over w/ my car! You are the girls I could call at 2 a.m. in the morning and say, “I need you…and I KNOW you’d figure out a way to get to me.” You all live your lives with authenticity and love. You’re honest and hilarious and even in my darkest moments, you have always been there. We live too far apart and I hate that. I keep trying to bridge the gap, because I want to be around the women who fill me up, put up w/ my crazy and always love me no matter what.

Angie and Tracy…my best GA girl’s….it took me a really long time to find women I clicked with in GA. I mean I had friends….but no one I could be naughty with. That’s important to me because I need to know that I can let loose with someone w/o being judged. I think a lot of people have this idea of who I might be in their heads….and I am probably some of that, but heaven help me, I have an evil twin. I don’t often show her to people because you gotta be WAY in for me to show you. (And this goes for Monica, Kelly, Karri and Nikki too…they know my evil twin!) Angie just accepts me the way I am, period. I don’t have to be anything else. She is so open and accepting…I’ve honestly never known anyone like her before. Tracy does too….but Tracy also amazes me w/ her organization skills. I told her I was ticked she was moving back to Washington because I think I finally found my business partner! Where I am weak she accelerates hardcore and vice versa. We have a nice balance and I like that I’ve learned those things.

The last friend I will point out is Jenderful (Jennifer Berg Speerstra)….she is goddess supreme to me. How did she mentor me? Jen taught me how to set boundaries and not to put up w/ everyone else’s shit. She always knew what she wanted to be when she grew up and just went after it. Even in her make mistakes…I’ve watched her rise and become this strong, independent and fierce woman. She’s like the only person I can fight with safely…where I know she won’t kick me to curb because we don’t agree on something. She is the one who thinks NO ONE is good enough for me. <3 She is the one I go to when I am severely sad….because she will do whatever she can to help me, no matter what. We also live too far apart….and that bites too. The thing that surprises me the most is how I’ve seen people NOT see who Jen is…they underestimate her and that pisses me off…or they assume she is something she isn’t. I am monstrously protective of her. She’s taught me to believe in dreams and to fight for them, regardless of what anyone else thought about it. I don’t have enough words…but she is my family. She is my sister…maybe even more than that. And I  KNOW that she feels the same way about me. It can’t be helped. We fell in love in 9th grade and never looked back. :-)

My kids are my mentors.  They amaze me and frustrate me almost every day. I’m not going into too much detail because this is a progressing and changing story. Suffice it to say my son is HILARIOUS…and he feels comfortable being pervy around me, his mother! He knows I have a sick sense of humor …and we just laugh a lot…as much as we argue too. ;-)  Clara is feisty and smart and doesn’t always think about what she is doing….but she is honest to a fault. She is also kind to people she doesn’t necessarily like. I love that she knows she should respect everyone, regardless of who they are or how she feels about them. I mean those are things I’ve instilled in my kids….but watching them do it, takes my breath away.

All night I wrestled with this one, because this person doesn’t know how much I admire them. I’ve never been brave enough to tell them. I know this paragraph is going to be vague and I’m sorry for that.  This is a person I’ve watched for many years..and by watched I mean kept close in my thoughts and heart. I pay attention. And even though I KNOW life doesn’t look the way they probably thought it should; the fact that they keep getting up every day and doing it makes me love them deeply. No matter how many times a match is struck and the flame burns out, they keep striking another flame. To me they are the epitome of hope and diligence and just keeping on and on.  Sometimes I struggle with how often they are close in my thoughts, because it was not a friendship I was brave enough to deeply develop…because I was afraid and unsure and what if it was all in my head…what if this person didn’t see me as I saw them? It’s been a huge regret in my heart. What I could do though was pray and I have done so. I know this is vague and you’ll all just have to understand there is a reason for that. I just had to put it out there today, because it’s a thought that won’t leave me alone. Maybe in the vagueness they will just know it was for them. They will know I adore them. I’m still very afraid to put this out there….like panic attack afraid. I’m doing it anyway.

I think everyone you meet has the opportunity to be a mentor if you let them be one. Everyone has their own trials and struggles. I don’t ever think mine are any bigger or badder (ha!) than anyone else’s. I generally think we all have stories and something to offer in terms of growth to one another. I have more many mentors I did not mention, because YOU don’t have all day to read. <3 As I thought about this I did think about everyone I have ever met (that I could recall) and what they have given to me. I also realized how blessed I was because I’ve been tremendously lucky to have met so many wonderful and amazing people….and moreover just blessed that I have learned from what they had to teach me as well.

 
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Posted by on Friday, October 5, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Because Dinner is in the Oven :)

20 Questions

1. Who would play you in a movie of your life? Mary Louise Parker…but hair dyed auburn and curly, of course. :-) I just like her in everything I’ve seen her perform in. I think she might be able to pull my life off on screen.

2. What is your favorite book? I have several….Robert Frost Anthology of Poetry, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Wildwood Dancing, In the River Sweet…..to name a few.

3. What is your favorite movie? Asking me to have one favorite movie is like asking me to have one favorite book. I’ll give you my top five: The Quiet Man, Braveheart, What Dreams May Come, Saving Private Ryan and Amelie

4. What is your favorite ice cream? peppermint or anything with good chocolate and good peanut butter, Heavenly Hash or Tin Roof….raspberry is good too. Mmmmm. OR a soft serve vanilla cone…I do NOT like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream….that makes me barf….It may have been easier just ask me what I didn’t like. ;-P

5. What is your favorite sport? To watch? Football I can handle so long as it is kids playing or college ball. NOT so much into NFL stuff….I feel like it loses it’s magic. I LOVE watching Track and Field events…or basketball. I would prefer never to have to watch soft or baseball.

6. What is your favorite song? I have favorite, right NOW, songs…
So here you go:


I’ll stop there…..

7. What are your four basic food groups?  Let me think about this…Food, food. food and ummmmmmmmmm Thanksgiving dinner. :-)

8. What would be your preferred superpower? Flight

9. What place would you like to vacation/visit? United Kingdom first…then wherever I can go!

10. What is your favorite thing about yourself? The depth of my love for people who have no idea that they are in the center of my heart….praying and hoping for their happiness all the time. And I am a good person…that too, even when I am a brat, I’m mostly not one. ;-)

11. What musical instrument can you play? I sing and can play a little piano…but I won’t play piano in public!

12. What is your favorite type of art? Pre-Raphaelite Era and Fantasy Art…pottery, jewelry making, poetry, theatre….

13. What’s your dream job? I’d love to be the cool storyteller that visits elementary schools and goes class to class performing children’s books to kids…that would be fun. OR to be a food critic…but I don’t really want to criticize…I just like to try things and give my opinion. ;-P

14. What’s your biggest pet peeve? Mean and jerky people….people who think they are better than others because of education, station in life….people who are jerks because they think it’s okay….AND parent’s who don’t pull UP to the end of the breeze way at morning drop off for school….thus blocking anyone else from being able to drop off their kid in a timely manner because they think their kid is the most important kid on the planet and screw everyone else’s kid or time. Yeah I am pretty annoyed by that. lol

15. What’s your worst phobia? I hate things touching my face and neck….I start to feel really closed in if someone touches my face and I didn’t give them permission to do it….my husband tortures me w/ this…so therefore I don’t often let him touch my face anymore because he thinks that torturing me will ‘cure’ me of this. /roll eyes….and messy eyebrows….GET those things fixed!

16. What is the strangest thing you ever did? Haahahahah…I’m not telling you that.

17. What is the strangest food you ever ate? Caviar, I guess…it was disgusting.

18. What would be one thing you’d make CERTAIN to bring along during the apocalypse? A sniper w/ an endless supply of bullets, who vows to protect me w/ his very life and does anything to make sure we find our secret island all the while offing those who would harm us w/ his epic sniper abilities. I’ll bring rope, duct tape and a pocket knife….that should cover it.

19. When you see a yellow traffic light, do you slow down, just in case, or speed up to beat it? Depends….usually slow down as I have kids in the car….but if I am in a hurry I might run it.

20. There’s an evil religious cult that has taken over the world. Do you join them to survive…or start a revolution?  Revolution…no way in hell would I ever conform just to make everyone happy.

 
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Posted by on Tuesday, October 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Holy Sabbath

I can’t sleep, so I decided to mess around some more w/ a movie program I have. In messing around w/ the features my brain’s neurons started shooting off and this creation came to light.  Peaceful Sabbath to you all. <3

 
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Posted by on Sunday, September 30, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Holy Sabbath

Job Chapter 11: 13-19

13 If thou prepare thine heart, and stretch out thine hands toward him;

14 If iniquity be in thine hand, put it far away, and let not wickedness dwell in thy tabernacles.

15 For then shalt thou lift up thy face without spot; yea, thou shalt be steadfast, and shalt not fear:

16 Because thou shalt forget thy misery, and remember it as waters that pass away:

17 And thine age shall be clearer than the noonday: thou shalt shine forth, thou shalt be as the morning.

18 And thou shalt be secure, because there is hope; yea, thou shalt dig about thee, and thou shalt take thy rest in safety.

19 Also thou shalt lie down, and none shall make thee afraid; yea, many shall make suit unto thee.

________________________________________________

 How does a person prepare their heart for God? I found great comfort in these words this morning, but at the same time I began to wonder how I was preparing my heart for God. Often I think I fight it, more than I prepare for it.I have a great hope for all of this, for God, eternal love, the Atonement of the Savior (which in all honesty I am still not sure I understand.)….but at the same time life keeps kicking my idealism in the face. How do you hold on when nothing looks like everything you hope for? Do you just consider yourself insane and go about your day? I would love to prepare for God. For me that strikes up a great imagery of soft and quiet living. I see myself being gentle and kind, letting go of all the things I am afraid of. I see myself being able to fully love in the face of hate and ignorance.  Will preparation make me more patient? What does this preparation phase look like, exactly? And is preparation of my heart and life-long ordeal? Is it an answer we can fully receive now? Or do I just remain skeptical and hopeful simultaneously?

Into My Own

One of my wishes is that those dark trees,

So old and firm they scarcely show the breeze,

Were not, as ’twere, the merest mask of gloom,

But stretched away unto the edge of doom.

I should not be withheld but that some day

Into their vastness I should steal away,

Fearless of ever finding open land,

Or highway where the slow wheel pours the sand.

I do not see why I should e’er turn back,

Or those should not set forth upon my track

To overtake me, who should miss me here

And long to know if still I held them dear.

They would not find me changed from him they knew–

Only more sure of all I thought was true.

~Robert Frost (1915 A Boy’s Will)

*I couldn’t decide what song to pick today, because I loved each one I listened to. Enjoy. <3

 
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Posted by on Sunday, September 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Dear Sexual Equality,

This topic again. Sexuality.  Women bear the majority of the burden of sexuality and the consequences of such actions on their shoulders. I should say female…because heaven knows life has to face plant you into the mud several times before you earn the title, “Woman.”

Daniel got in the car this evening and said, “Mom something really inappropriate happened at school today.”  So I asked him what happened. He said that there was a girl giving a boy a bj in the boys stall in the bathroom….apparently there had been a crowd gathered around and one of the kid’s ran to tell his band director something fishy was going on in the bathroom.  Then Daniel found out in the locker room what happened, because the boy’s football buddies were laughing it up and telling EVERYONE what happened.  The adults were obviously NOT amused and the boy in question was told he had to break up with the girl to be able to even SIT on the bench for the rest of the season.  The girl, suspended. The boy…not suspended. Hmmmmmmmmm, what message is being sent here? The fact that 13-year old are doing this blows my freaking mind. (no pun intended!)

As Daniel was talking about it, he blurted out the girl’s name and said something about the football friends calling her ‘easy.’  I had NEVER heard him use the term before.  THEN his dad decided to say that while he agreed the boy was wrong, the girl was MORE wrong because she was doing the act. EXCUSE ME?! NO. I don’t think so, sweetheart. Let me tell you why….

You my dear (and I am talking to the hubs here.) get all pissy with religion because of how women are generally treated (or at least how you say they are treated as lower life forms and sex objects)…but your comment makes me realize it’s not just a religious expectation that women carry the burden of sexual purity and modesty…it’s also a cultural catastrophe. Why? Women (Usually girls as young as 14 w/in the media are highly sexualized) are flaunted as sexual objects and then we’re told NOT to be sexual.
I can’t even begin to wonder what the HELL their thought process was to even do this AT SCHOOL….but the boy got to come out alright in the end of all this. I will give credit to Dan because he did tell Daniel that if he was ever caught being inappropriate with a girl and that girl’s dad wanted to kick his ass, Dan would probably help that father.  He was however projecting how he would punish Clara for something like this and it was so. Much. Worse. Than what he would do to Daniel. Double standard much?

As we were discussing being the parent getting THAT phone call, Dan just went off again about how he would treat the girl if it was his daughter. I asked, “Well what about the boy?”  “He could have said NO.”  Dan just said it’s not possible for a 13-year-old boy to say no to anything sexual. LIES…I call bullshit. It IS possible. It is possible for males to take responsibility for the thought processes of how they project and use their sexual organ! It is possible if parents have OPEN lines of communication w/ their children about sex and the consequences of sex, be they good or bad.
IT IS possible for that boy to be called a whore and a slut through the rest of his jr. high and high school career. BUT to a boy, it would probably not sting nor hurt his reputation. If people call him slutty, it will be a term of endearment.  Will it be an endearment for the girl? Nope.  WHY because people have been religion-ed and brainwashed and blown out of proportion in the media, into this weird idea that it is the Girl’s responsibility to buffer all sexual inquiries of males and if she doesn’t, she’s easy. She’s a whore, slut, tart, hussie….oh I got names!  She gets pregnant…her fault, because boys don’t have the ability to think for themselves if there is a naked female in front of them. When on this green earth will BOTH be held equally accountable? When will it become a human to human issue? When will we give males a little credit? There are honorable boys and men out there!
I watched too many of my girlfriends SUFFER the consequences of ignorance and judgment, because of their sexual choices when they were younger. I have a very long memory…. I can only imagine now what is going to happen to this poor girl. She made a stupid choice….but I know the road that she is going to walk the rest of her school career. Will the boy walk this road? Nah. He won’t. He won’t because it’s acceptable for boys to be sexual.  Girl’s can’t really be sexual until they are in their 20’s and even THEN it’s not acceptable for them to have as many partners as they want, w/o judgment. If they are sexually open it can be off-putting to a lot of people…so people hide their sexuality. If they grow up  in orthodox religions…even more difficult. Because then you’re told how to dress so you don’t seduce the young men, because heaven forbid they learn boundaries and respect for females on their own . 

(Granted I realize there is a TREMENDOUS amount of pressure on young men in orthodox religions to not be sexual either…to control every thought. I do have great empathy for all that too. I promise, I sincerely do. I can talk about that sometime too.)

I realize my utopia of males and females coming into sexuality equally is probably not going to happen and that makes me so sad. EVOLVE already!

Dear teenage girls, listen up.
STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STOP feeling pressured into doing stupid things to impress your boyfriends. Doing any of that leads to the other avenues of creating the situation of having a child you aren’t ready to have. I mean that is just the most obvious consequence. There are more subtle consequences about the thoughts you start to believe when you take the time to look at yourself in the mirror. Those harsh thoughts take too many years to work through. How much better if you didn’t have to?

I realize you want to feel loved and you’re gonna look for it through sex because that is what we are taught is love. Being touched feels good. It releases all these happy chemicals in your brain…but it doesn’t last. That’s not love girls. That’s just sex.  When a guy truly loves you, you probably won’t even notice it at your age, because we just don’t know what it looks like. We don’t know that he would move the world to the other side of the galaxy, because we haven’t had the life experience yet to know what good love is.
You deserve to have that first sexual moment be with someone who LOVES you and would protect you as he protects his own heart.  (I realize some of you aren’t going to get to choose your first sexual experience, because someone is going to put that on you w/o your permission. TRUST me, I know that anguish. We can talk about that sometime too.) That said, say you get the blissful opportunity to make that choice….realize everyone has their own opinion about it and everyone thinks they know when it should happen for you. ONLY YOU can know when it is right for YOU. No one else.  Some believe that is marriage. Some believe that is w/ your first love….so long as he/she truly loves you back. (People say “I love you,” but they do not really mean it. Be cautious!) I just say YOU will know when it’s right…and there will be NO pressure…you will have no guilt about it…you will NOT feel uneasy in your own soul about it. When it’s right it will be right, Period.

Unfortunately if you engage, people will be cruel. They will talk behind your back. They will NOT look all that much deeper into who you truly are. They will not understand you are trying to figure that out and that takes time. They will not take the time to understand what you are going through emotionally to figure all that out.  SINCE that takes time, do not give yourself to some 13-year-old boy in a bathroom stall because it will make you ‘cool.’  You know what it did do? It made boys talk about you in the locker room….high-fiving each other for the friend, but belittling who YOU are as a person, female and human.  They turned YOU into a cliché.  If you have had sex or been sexual at a young age, you are so NOT lost. You are not bad. You are not a whore. You are worth every ounce of love and respect that is available to you that comes from finding a good and honorable person to give yourself to.  You are not that girl on the floor in the bathroom stall. Anyone who tells you otherwise is an idiot.

 
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Posted by on Thursday, September 20, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Holy Sabbath

Late Have I Loved You

Late have I loved You
O beauty every ancient, ever new!
Late have I loved You
And behold,
You were within; and I without,
and without I sought You.
And deformed I ran after these forms
of beauty You have made.

You were with me
And I was not with You.
Those things held me back from You,
things whose only being
was to be in You.

You called; You cried;
and You broke through my deafness.
You flashed; You shone;
and you chased away my blindness.
You became fragrant;
and I inhaled and sighed for You.

I tasted
and now hunger and thirst
for You.

You touched me;
and I burned for Your embrace.

~St. Augustine

Confessions of St. Augustine

 
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Posted by on Sunday, September 16, 2012 in Uncategorized

 
 
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